Why I’m Not On Stranger Things
Strip Info
- Title
- Why I’m Not On Stranger Things
- Date
- July 10, 2022
- Tags
- awkward, Debbie Gibson, dumb things people do, Dustin, Kevin, Lucas, music, Netflix, pop culture, Stranger Things, TV, Vecna, white people
- Notes
Transcript
- Panel 1 : Ext. Hawkins Graveyard – Day
-
An Overhead shot of Kevin, floating several feet in mid-air. Wearing headphones, his eyes roll back in a dumbfounded expression. On the ground, Dustin and Lucas from Stranger Things freak out.
-
- Dustin
- Oh no! Kevin’s under Vecna’s curse!
- Lucas
- Quick! Play his favorite song!
- Panel 2 : Int. Vecna’s Lair – Continuous
-
Kevin is bound up by tentacles in Vecna’s Lair. Everything has a red tint. Vecna stands opposite him, poised with his claw hand. Yet they both pause to and look skyward as a song begin playing.
-
- Singer
- Shake your love! I just can’t shake your love! Shake your love! I just can’t shake… your love!
- Panel 3 : Int. Vecna’s Lair – Continuous
-
Embarrassed, Kevin blushes and grins. Vecna lowers his claw. A look of disbelief and judgement on his face.
-
- Vecna
- Debbie Gibson?
- Kevin
- Please don’t tell anyone.
Quite The Journey
Strip Info
Transcript
- Panel 1 : Int. Car – Day
-
A driver’s POV looking out the window. A road sign flies by reading “ROAD MAY FLOOD, 500 FT”
- Panel 2 : Int. Car – Continuous
-
Another sign flies by: “ROAD MAY NOT FLOOD, 400 FT”
- Panel 3 : Int. Car – Continuous
-
A third sign: “GET OFF ROAD’S DAMN BACK, 300 FT”
- Panel 4 : Int. Car – Continuous
-
The driver (Kevin) looks out the window with concern.
- Panel 5 : Int. Car – Continuous
-
A fourth sign: “SORRY. ROAD JUST WENT THRU BAD BREAKUP, 200 FT”
- Panel 6 : Int. Car – Continuous
-
A fifth sign: “ROAD NEEDS TIME TO WORK ON ROAD, 100 FT”
- Panel 7 : Int. Car – Continuous
-
A sixth, different sign: “ROAD WORK AHEAD, NEXT 10 MI”
- Panel 8 : Int. Car – Continuous
-
In the driver’s seat, Kevin smiles. Glad that worked out.
A Very Specific Task
Strip Info
- Title
- A Very Specific Task
- Date
- June 19, 2022
- Tags
- beach, cauliflower, Dani, fences, gross, ham, Kevin, paint, pale, Ranch dressing, sunscreen, vacation, white people, yogurt
Transcript
- Panel 1 : Int. Room – Day
-
Dani stands smiling, holding a bowl of ranch dressing in one hand and a full head of cauliflower in the other. She’s just dipped the cauliflower in the ranch.
-
- Caption
- Dipping a head of cauliflower in ranch dressing
- Panel 2 : Ext. Yard – Later
-
Wearing overalls, Dani stands in front of a tall white picket fence. She holds a brush of white paint. A bucket sits on a stepladder nearby. Dani shrugs.
-
- Caption
- Painting a white fence white
- Panel 3 : Int. Kitchen – Later
-
Dani stands at a kitchen table. On the table is an open container of plain yogurt. Next to it is large uncooked ham. Dani massages the yogurt into the skin of the uncooked ham. She looks disgusted.
-
- Caption
- Massaging yogurt into an uncooked ham
- Panel 4 : Ext. Beach – Later
-
Dani on the beach, equally disgusted look on her face. But now, she’s applying sunscreen to Kevin’s back.
-
- Dani
- You’re right – nothing could’ve prepared me for this.
- Kevin
- Sorry.
No “Off” Switch
Strip Info
- Title
- No “Off” Switch
- Date
- June 12, 2022
- Tags
- anxiety, beach, Bird, fomo, Kevin, mental health, productivity, relatable, self care, social media, vacation
Transcript
- Panel 1 : Ext. Beach – Day
-
Kevin sits on a beach chair on a sunny shore. Wearing an open Hawaiian shirt, he clasps his hands behind his head and smiles. His bird perches on his elbow.
-
- Kevin
- Isn’t this great? A week away from social media! No F.O.M.O. No stress…
- Panel 2 : Ext. Beach – Continuous
-
Kevin and his bird sit in silence, soaking up the sun and surf.
- Panel 3 : Ext. Beach – Continous
-
Another moment of quiet.
- Panel 4 : Ext. Beach – Continous
-
Kevin’s bird turns to him.
-
- Bird
- You’re thinking of ways to turn this into content, aren’t you?
- Kevin
- Yes. I’m very broken.
Two Great Tastes That Go Great Together
Strip Info
- Title
- Two Great Tastes That Go Great Together
- Date
- May 22, 2022
- Tags
- boats, cake, Drew Carey, Executive, food, gameshow, Is It Cake, Kevin, pitch, pop culture, spokesmodel, The Price Is Right, TV
Transcript
- Panel 1 : Int. Television Studio – Day
-
A game show contestant stands at a podium, cheering with excitement. His nametag reads “Mark.” Next to him stands Drew Carey, who speaks into his signature skinny microphone.
-
- Drew Carey
- Actual retail price is twenty-two thousand dollars…
- Panel 2 : Int. Television Studio – Continuous
-
In the adjacent showroom, a spokesmodel stands smiling next to a large powerboat on a trailer.
-
- Drew Carey (O.S.)
- …which means Mark will take home this brand new boat…
- Panel 3 : Int. Television Studio – Continous
-
Closer on the boat and spokesmodel, who now holds a large kitchen knife to the bow of the boat.
-
- Drew Carey (O.S.)
- …if he can correctly guess IS IT CAKE?
- Panel 4 : Int. Studio Executive’s Office – Continous
-
An executive sits opposite Kevin.
-
- Executive
- This is the dumbest pitch I’ve ever heard.
-
Kevin leans in.
-
- Kevin
- Or the greatest?
-
Next to Kevin is a poster on an easel that reads, “The Price is Cake!”
One More Thing To Worry About
Strip Info
Transcript
- Panel 1 : Int. Dining Room – Day
-
Close up on Kevin’s hand, holding his phone. On the screen, a FaceTime call with his Mother. Her camera looks up her nose in a very unflattering angle.
-
- Mother
- …And have you heard about this black hole? It’s 4 million times larger than our sun! It’s going to swallow us up!
- Panel 2 : Int. Dining Room – Continuous
-
Kevin sits at a table, holding up his phone. His bird pearches on his shoulder. A bowl of fruit on the table nearby. Kevin smiles.
-
- Kevin
- Oh, Mom! I don’t think we have to worry about that for a long time.
- Mother
- If you say so…
- Panel 3 : Int. Dining Room – Continous
-
Kevin waves goodbye.
-
- Kevin
- O.K. Gotta go. Love you.
- Mother
- Love you too.
- Panel 4 : Int. Dining Room – Continous
-
Kevin and his bird panic, knocking over the bowl of fruit.
-
- Bird
- What the hell are we gonna do about this black hole?!?
- Kevin
- I DUNNO, MAN! I’M FREAKIN’ OUT!
The Procrastination Game
Strip Info
- Title
- The Procrastination Game
- Date
- May 8, 2022
- Tags
- Bird, couch, creativity, dumb things people do, Kevin, mental health, productivity, relatable, self care, videogames
Transcript
- Panel 1 : Int. Living Room – Day
-
Kevin sits on his couch, controller in hand, playing a video game. His bird sits next to him.
-
- Kevin
- Ugh. This game sucks.
- Bird
- Then why not play a game you like?
- Panel 2 : Int. Living Room – Continuous
-
Kevin replies.
-
- Kevin
- Because if I play a game I like, I’ll get absorbed and won’t do the other things I have to do today.
- Panel 3 : Int. Living Room – Continous
-
The bird ponders.
-
- Bird
- So why not do those other things first, then play a game you like?
- Kevin
- Because playing games is how I procrastinate.
- Panel 4 : Int. Living Room – Continous
-
The bird looks concerned.
-
- Bird
- Wow, you’re all messed up, huh?
- Kevin
- My therapist calls me his “goldmine.”
Zoom Out
Strip Info
- Title
- Zoom Out
- Date
- April 24, 2022
- Tags
- Bird, birdseed, existentialism, field, interdependence, Kevin, night, philosophy, starsinterdependence
Transcript
- Panel 1 : Ext. Field – Night
-
Kevin lays in a field of grass at night, looking up at the stars. His bird lies on it’s back on his chest, also looking up.
-
- Kevin
- Ever zoom out and realize how insignificant we are?
- Panel 2 : Ext. Field – Continuous
-
The bird replies.
-
- Bird
- I dunno. You’re pretty significant to me.
- Kevin
- Aww! Thanks! That’s sweet.
- Panel 3 : Ext. Field – Continuous
-
Kevin and the bird lie in quiet for a beat.
- Panel 4 : Ext. Field – Continuous
-
Same.
-
- Bird
- Don’t get me wrong: as soon as I figure out how to open bags of birdseed myself, you’re dead to me.
The Sensible Detective
Strip Info
- Title
- The Sensible Detective
- Date
- April 17, 2022
- Tags
- Bird, couch, crime, Kevin, police, pop culture, self care, Sensible Detective, TV
- Notes
-
Fun fact: this is actually a redraw of a comic I first drew over 10 years ago. The original was part of an earlier version of my comics website called Funny Comics For Cool People. I produced about a dozen comics for it, but never actually launched the site. I always liked this idea, though. So I thought I’d take another swing at it.
Transcript
- Panel 1 : Int. Police Station – Day
-
A grizzled cop sips from a mug. Scowling.
-
- Caption
- Tuesdays at 8! He’s a homicide cop with no major vices…
-
- Cop
- Got drunk once. Didn’t enjoy it.
- Panel 2 : Ext. Park – Continuous
-
The cop and wife give piggybacks to each of their two kids. Everyone smiles except the cop.
-
- Caption
- …no personal trauma…
-
- Cop
- All loved ones alive and well.
- Panel 3 : Ext. Street – Night
-
The cop kneels at a crime scene near a corpse, covered in a bloody sheet. The cop looks at his watch.
-
- Caption
- …And healthy professional boundaries. He’s The Sensible Detective.
-
- Cop
- 5p.m.- Quittin’ time.
- Panel 4 : Int. Living Room – Continuous
-
Kevin sits on the couch with his bird, watching this commercial. They both furrow their brows.
-
- Kevin
- Well that’s no fun.
- Bird
- I prefer my protagonists damaged.
What’s In Your Wallet?
Strip Info
- Title
- What’s In Your Wallet?
- Date
- April 3, 2022
- Tags
- Bird, Bitcoin, crypto, dumb things people do, Kevin, Metaverse, orc warrior, scams, social interactions, virtual reality
Transcript
- Panel 1 : Int. The Metaverse – Day
-
Kevin and his orc guide walk through a Metaverse landscape.
-
- Kevin
- So how do I get a sweet metaverse avatar like yours?
- Orc
- You have to pay for it.
- Panel 2 : Int. The Metaverse – Continuous
-
Still walking.
-
- Kevin
- With real money?
- Orc
- With crypto!
- Kevin
- So… not real money?
- Panel 3 : Int. Metaverse – Continuous
-
The orc stops. Kevin stands behind him
-
- Orc
- Kinda. It’a a digital curency. Here: let’s set up a wallet for you.
-
The orc reaches towards a glowing Bitcoin wallet icon.
- Panel 4 : Int. The Metaverse – Continuous
-
In the real world, Kevin stands in his living room, looking confused in a VR headset. His bird perches on his arm.
-
- Bird
- How’s it going in there?
- Kevin
- I think I’m about to get swindled.